Thursday 23rd April
Dear whom it may concern. This issue goes out to everyone with a heart full of evil and a head full of plans. Some weeks you just have a bad attitude, but don't let it bring you down. Let it bring others down. Fleece your hipster friends at mahjong. Crash a bowling night for the catering. Squint at people and lick your crotch. The opportunities to alienate those close to you are almost limitless.
ThreeThousand 202 - stick it right there
Also on the site right now!
WORK - TwoThousand Deputy Editor
SHOP - Our Spot online
EATDRINK - Quail and Quince night this weekend!!
Cover image by Natalie Nikitovic. If you would like to submit a covershot that would be so rad! Email photo@threethousand.com.au.
Easy / House Music
What:
Easy / House Music
Who:
Mum Smokes
On:
Sensory Projects / Inertia
Related links:
MySpace, 'At the Gate' video
Launch:
June 26 at Curtin Bandroom
with Fabulous Diamonds and White
Woods
Life's vicissitudes, dream encounters, emotional confusion and feelings of melancholic joy are steadfast themes in pop music, but so rarely transposed with the uncanny, true-to-experience ring managed by much-loved local outfit, Mum Smokes. In the same way a good friend's company and conversation can coax personal realisation after realisation and set your mind to thinking extra lucidly about time's weird ways, so too can the unforced, dead-honest songs of this preternaturally gifted group. Never forcing a point or quick to trade meanings, Mum Smokes' approach is to marvel, not to master - working first as melodic salve, second as entertainment.
Easy / House Music is the sprawling, double-album follow-up to 2005's hallowed Railroads, Chasms and Fantasies debut that fans dared wish for from this band. All four members share the writing distinctively, often track-by-track, meaning ensured variety and the futile-fun chance to play favourites - is it Jon the Gypsy Joker, Julian King of Time, Karl the Earth Sprite or Space Commander Justin? Up and downcast tunes run a gamut of styles, but always with rich, acoustic-leaning arrangements that bloom with repeated plays and lyrics that'll keep you awake; mad for sadness. An important Australian band to look forward to remembering fondly.
Release: Album
To Cure: A broken heart
Keywords: Mum Smokes
A Film With Me In It
What:
A Film With Me In It
When:
Exclusive to Cinema Nova from April 23
Watch the trailer:
Here
Win:
Thanks to Nova, we have 10 dbls to give away! To enter, email win@threethousand.com.au with the subject line ‘Not many people die by chandelier'
Not far into this Irish black comedy, I began actively wishing bad stuff upon its protagonist. Luckily, there's plenty of that. Mark (Mark Doherty) is a failed actor, amateur clarinettist and general atomic wimp. He lacks even the drunk-and-disorderly charm of his equally hopeless best friend Pierce (Dylan Moran), a wannabe screenwriter.
Mark and his exasperated girlfriend Sally (Amy Huberman) live in a decrepit Dublin flat with Mark's disabled brother David (Doherty's real-life brother, comedian David O'Doherty). Until Mark pays the last three months' rent, snarky landlord Jack (Keith Allen) refuses to make any repairs.
This ill-maintained house ends up killing three people (and a dog) in circumstances so farcical that Mark and Pierce realise nobody will believe the deaths were accidental. Instead, they try to workshop the day's events as if they were part of Pierce's latest script. As Pierce explains, "It's the new truth."
Doherty's script takes ages to deliver on its premise but, once it does, it's quite funny in a shaggy, Shallow Grave way. The audience in my screening hooted with laughter at Dylan Moran's every utterance; it's just his familiar, bumbling-drunk shtick, but it's still the highlight.
Format: Cinema
Mood: Leave brain at home
Keywords: Dylan Moran, Carlton, Cinema Nova, Mark Doherty
Bespoke Boots by Emma the Shoemaker
In this sombre age of the Croc, have you ever wondered if it's possible to create the perfect shoe? One which is comfortable and functional, yet not made out of offensive, air-vented plastic? One which is practical, yet also beautiful and stylish?
Ever since the shiny satisfaction of a pair of black patent Mary Janes at age five, Emma Shirgwin has made it her lifelong mission to find such shoe-shaped perfection. She has cobbled the world over to hone her craft, eventually settling upon the Italian method of 'Lunati' (creating paper shoes first and then transposing them to leather to ensure a glass-slipper fit). From her tiny home-studio-slash-potting-shed here in Melbourne, Emma designs and makes her masterpieces entirely by hand, using only the finest locally sourced materials.
Now that it's getting nippy outside, you'll want a pair of Emma's bespoke booties. PM wants the 'giddy up' black leather riding boots, and I'm saving up my lunch money for a pair of mushroom-grey derby lace ups, with a handcarved, stacked wood and resin heel. Get in quick because there's a waiting list - Emma has no elfin helpers.
Product: Clothing
Theft: Theft is inevitable: Buy two
Swensk
What:
Swensk
Where:
Shop 1, CH2, 230 Lt Collins St, Melbourne
When:
Mon-Thurs 11am-6pm, Fri 11am-7pm, Sat 12-6pm, Sun 12-4pm
Contact:
9663 4376
For many, Swedish fashion is known for its fast-paced, fresh-faced basics such as by H&M and Cheap Monday. For the few, it is defined by the slow-paced purists: J.Lindeberg, 5th Avenue Shoe Repair, Filippa K., WhyRed and Acne, whose palettes, designs, and overall approaches resonate with, rather than rub against, your hip pocket.
But slow is not boring, and Swensk owner Mats Ekstrom often draws a comparison between his brand of ‘Slow Fashion' and Slow Food. After all, true choice is about finding quality, not about negotiating quantity so if you're confident that you are through with your fashion phases and just want something that will always look good then head to Swensk.
Product: Fashion
Anatomy: Whole body
The Hayloft Project
What:
The Hayloft Project
Where:
Double Bill at Meat Market, 5 Blackwood St, North Melbourne
When:
April 24 - May 10, running times here
How much:
3xSisters $25/$35 +BF here
Spring Awakening $20/$30 +BF here
Win:
Thanks to Hayloft, we have 2 dbls to the Sun May 3 Double Bill to give away! To enter, email win@threethousand.com.au with the subject line 'i have 3xfriends' but I'll dump two to get a ticket'
When it comes to art, it's easy to feel isolated down under. Everything edgy and new in art/music etc seems to sharpen its edge elsewhere. Also it seems we're never really validated until we get some sort of overseas (usually American) endorsement. Not only that but theatre (outside of the broadway musical version) is often seen as the drier intellectual cousin of music, film, visual art and dance. So when it comes to Australians making theatre in their own backyard, it's a bit of an uphill battle to begin with.
Y'know what though? Hayloft Projects are local creatives worth checking out - with everything from blood, tightie whities, special effects, and pop culture references these kids aim high every time, with every production. Their new shows are obviously targeted at younger audience - more MTV than MTC - and it isn't it about time? Hayloft are serious about art - but not about themselves - thank god.
Their next project is the Meat Market Double Bill - first up is 3xsisters by 3xdirectors - three directors to rebrand and repackage this play in 3xacts. Spring Awakening, the other production, was labelled as pornographic in the early 1900s. It was banned for almost a century and its author was jailed for obscenity - .yeah it's pretty hot.
So come get it while it's sharp.
Medium: Performance
Drink: Bottle of red
Keywords: The Hayloft Project, North Melbourne, Theatre
Mahjong Lessons
What:
Mahjong Lessons
Where:
Collingwood World, 97 Smith St, Collingwood
When:
Every Tuesday, 9pm onwards
How much:
Zero, zilch, nada
Want to impress you hipster friends while simultaneously relieving them of cash? The ancient game of Mahjong may the answer to your grifting tendencies. Combing eastern exoticism and ironic cool, it's the indie world's answer to Texas Hold ‘Em. It's also pretty easy to learn.
Mahjong may look intimidating with its cryptic tiles and elaborate set-up but don't let that scare you; most of it's for show. What the game boils down to is picking up new titles - and discarding old ones - until your have a ‘full house'. Once that happens you yell ‘Mahjong!', reveal your hand and pocket your winnings from the other three players. The whole thing shouldn't take more than 10 minutes.
Okay, so there's a bit more to it than that, but the basic game is pretty straightforward. It's the sort of thing you can learn in under one hour and, thanks to Collingwood World's Tuesday night lessons, you can now do it while sipping cocktails. Or beers. Or whatever fruity drink you're obsessed with this week. Either way, your new found Mahjong skills will totally impress old Chinese people and the Fitzroy art-launch massive.
Ambience: Indoor
Difficulty: Depends how hard you push it
Keywords: gaming, Collingwood world, Collingwood
Hercules
It seems kind of appropriate to feature a cat in STRAY. We couldn't do better than Hercules - potentially the fattest and happiest cat to ever waddle the Earth.
The last time we ever saw something this fat and this happy it was watching Ricky May, the host of the '80s game show It's A Knockout. Ricky would roll around the ‘arena' in a golf cart, egging on the greatest bogans you have ever seen, some of whom were celebrities like Danni and Kylie or Dean Jones. It's A Knockout is where we need to get back to as Australians: parochial, community-minded and as tough as a goat's kneecap.
Anyway, Hercules might not have a golf cart but he sure exudes the same 'do it my way or the highway' charm that Ricky May personified. If he's close to the fence you can pat him and it's like rubbing Buddha's tummy. But for the most part he'll just squint at you and lick his crotch. I'd do that if I lived in East Melbourne.
Ambience: Spooky
Difficulty: Depends how hard you push it
Keywords: Cats
Strike Bowling
What:
Strike Bowling
Where:
245 Little Lonsdale, Melbourne
When:
Mon-Fri 10am-11.30pm, Sat-Sun 10am-1am
Contact:
1300 STRIKE (787 453)
Most people would avoid Strike Bowling at all costs. Us youth seem to prefer the dingier, dirtier, and beer-soaked floors of the classic bowling alleys. So what if the lanes are warped and your name ends up being Fan instead of Fran because the ‘r' button doesn't work? They always feel more authentic. What they don't have, and why Strike is worth the discotheque lasers and mainstream pop music, is amazing, miniature catered food!
Few things are better than individual portions of fish & chips, mini burgers, Cajun chicken pizettas, and wild mushroom and oregano tartlets served to you while you're bowling. It helps to make a sport that already has an automatic, arm-level ball return seem even more effortless and lazy. While the gourmet finger foods only come with the corporate functions (one of which I crashed), there are still great pizzas and even a lunch bowling deal you can book: $16 for a game, a pizza, and a drink. So just sit back, eat your nibblies, and try not to think about how many unwashed fingers have been in those same three little holes. Ew.
Venue: Bar
Meal: Lunch and dinner
More OUTS! - April 23
What:
More OUTS!!
Where:
On the site right now!
Description:
Minutes sound like Sonic Youth! See them tonight.
Lost Valentinos single launch, with The Process and Damn Arms DJ!
T World issue #5 launch party at Newtown (magazine features wet T-shirt photoshoot)
Cecil Taylor's (USA) jazz masterclass is CANCELLED! Now you jazz fans will have money to spend on Miles Davis: the '80s recordings. No excuse.
We think Time Ninjas is the second funniest show in the Comedy Festival, but only because we are jealous they can travel back in time using Steven Hawking's wheelchair.
Event: Beach Volleyball
Stimulus: Fun
Keywords: More OUTs
Carlow House Studio Sale!
What:
Carlow House Studio Sale!
Where:
289 Flinders Lane
When:
STARTS TODAY! Thurs Apr 23, noon-7pm, Fri Apr 24 noon-7pm, Sat Apr 25 10am-2pm
Description:
The only time anyone used the 'share with a friend' function on our website was when we wrote an article about the Contemporary Jewellery Studio Sale at Carlow House. Well, poise your mouses again hombres - because it's back! But this time there are two levels of mayhem. Level 8: Princess C, Lady J and the Upper Crust. Level 9: Jewellery from This Charming Man, Dani M Designs, Felicity Large, Rochelle Woods; leather goods from Steven Phillips, James Robert and Mila & Ollie; plus leather iPhone cases and bags made from BAD '80s LEATHER JACKETS, and a garage sale. Let the auto-sharing commence. We didn't pay our web guys for you to cut and paste this shit into Macmail. - PM
Event: Sales
Stimulus: sound the horns!
Keywords: Jewellery, studio sale, Carlow House, This Charming Man
Big Mouth Project launch
What:
Big Mouth Project launch
Where:
Luna Park, cnr Cavell St and Upper Esplanade, St Kilda
When:
TONIGHT! Thurs Apr 23, 6-9pm
How much:
Private party
Win:
An invite. We have a dbl pass to give away, just email win@threethousand.com.au with the subject line 'Why yes, I could go a Chiko Roll'
Description:
Look, what's up with this honestly? WorkSafe Victoria has hired internationally renowned sculpture and stencil artist D*Face to perform his signature 'sticking two fingers up at the establishment' schtick in order to promote their new campaign. This is the kind of WTF scenario that Naomi Klein was trying to warn us about, but we didn't listen because her book was too long. On the other hand, they're promising fairy floss, drinks, rides.. and 'CARNIE FOOD'!! You guys, you would have had us at Chiko Rolls. - PM
Event: Fair
Stimulus: Do-rags and baggy get ups
Keywords: Street Art, Party
Polyester Queen launch night
What:
Polyester Queen launch night
Where:
The Order of Melbourne, Lvl 2, 401 Swanston St, Melbourne
When:
Thurs 23 April, 8pm-1am. Then every Thursday!
How much:
Free!
Description:
How many gay parties can one city launch? Are there really enough queer people here to sustain this kind of dance-dance revolution? That's not really the issue though, is it? Because there's so many straights lining up to get in at the gay nights the gays could start screening Everybody Loves Raymond in the queue and make a pretty sideline selling organic popcorn and Pepsi Max. Anyway, the point is, now that straights know that gay parties are better than theirs, the time has come for legendary Q+A promoter Peter Kung to re-emerge - like Steve Rubell from the State Penitentiary - and show everyone how it's really goddam done. - PM
Event: DJs
Stimulus: E
Keywords: Gay/Lesbian, Party, The Order of Melbourne
Dogs wanted for art project
What:
Dogs wanted for art project
Where:
TBC
When:
TBC
How much:
Free! If you bring puppies.
Do you, or does anyone you know, own a dachshund? Better yet, are you a dachshund? Whatever, just find as many dachshunds as you can and call current Perth-based Nextwave Kickstart artist Bennet Miller. Bennett wants your puppies now! As part of a major new art project to be presented in Melbourne, May 2010. Details are currently embargoed but if you are interested, call Bennett on 0416 070 314 or email lordbimms@hotmail.com. Come on Erckle. Not you Portia. - MS
Event: Rally
Stimulus: Fame
JOHN II: The Second Coming
What:
JOHN II: The Second Coming
Where:
Geddes Lane, (off Flinders La, behind 60 King St), Melbourne
When:
Fri Apr 24, doors 10pm
How much:
$20 on door or $15 on guestlist
Description:
We're keeping it clean, because the guys behind Trough parties (RIP) and the new night JOHN are making all the innuendos for us. It's up to us to be professional and informative. That is why this video, featuring John Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis thrusting their crotches in various ways and directions, is so important. It should be an expectation of everyone that JOHN puts on a party equally as good as Jamie Lee Curtis puts on a dance aerobics class. Watch the video, come to the party, thrust yourself upon stuff. - PC & SN
Event: Party
Stimulus: Sausage Sizzle
Keywords: geddes lane, Trough
No Vacancy Art Market launch!
What:
No Vacancy Art Market launch!
Where:
No Vacancy Gallery, 23 Red Cap La, Melbourne
When:
Launching Fri Apr 24, 11am-9pm
Market runs until Sun May 17, Thurs-Fri 11am-9pm, Tues-Wed, Sat-Sun 11am-5pm
How much:
A dollar a kilo
Description:
Art markets can be like twee gift hampers. Sure there's a giant salami that will feed you for weeks, but there's also a jar of lemon curd (what? I put this on toast? you idiots) and a bunch of raffia stuffed in the bottom to make someone feel like they gave you a big present when really they gave you a basket of slap in the face that you can't even re-gift. The point is, this new art market at No Vacancy has no filler. There's only 20 stalls, all representing local talent including illustrators, artists, jewellers, designers, animators, rare booksellers. Go to the launch! All killer, no curd. - PM
Event: Markets
Stimulus: Ideas
Keywords: Markets, No Vacancy Gallery
Polo Club 'The 13' and Raph Boogie 'Le Bump', double album launch
What:
Polo Club The 13 and Raph Boogie Le Bump, double album launch
Where:
Revolver Upstairs, 229 Chapel St, Prahran
When:
Sat Apr 25, doors 9pm
How much:
$10
Description:
Super-tight local production unit, Polo Club's new album, The 13, is 'Pop' like Kayne West means it: all-digital R'n'B-flecked urban booty jams with vocoders and squiggly synths all over. Not 'hip-hop' in any meaningful sense - tough they rap sometimes - the duo shine a light for forward-thinking, crossover local beat makers. See what we mean Saturday at Revolver at their joint-album launch with Raph Boogie and guests. - Us.
Event: Bands
Stimulus: E
School of Seven Bells
What:
School of Seven Bells
Where:
The Corner Hotel, 57 Swan St, Richmond
When:
Sat Apr 25, doors 8.30pm
How much:
$35 +BF from here
Description:
We have given you ample effing time to get on this, and if you haven't, we're going to make it very simple. This thing is on the quick road to sellout-town and you're going to be stuck in giantloser-ville if you don't get tickets. New York's School of Seven Bells are a shaking musical embrace, and they're bringing us their dream-pop to promote their debut LP, Alpinisms. The trio is made up of sisters Claudia and Alejandra Deheza (ex-On!Air!Library!) and Benjamin Curtis (ex-Secret Machines). Wear some heavy shoes lest you get blown away. - Us
Event: Bands
Stimulus: Love
Keywords: School of Seven Bells, Speak n Spell Records
Eagles of Death Metal
What:
Eagles of Death Metal
Where:
Palace Theatre (old Metro), 20-30 Bourke St, Melbourne
When:
Sun Apr 26, doors 8pm
How much:
$58.30 +BF here , or at Missing Link
Description:
Jesse Hughes seems to have it all worked out. He has cool nicknames like 'The Devil' and 'Boots Electric', while most people don't seem to manage better than 'Macca' or 'Dave-o'. He's best friends with Josh Homme, possibly the greatest rock musician of the 21st Century. My best friend is my Mum. He's had the most high-profile feud with Axl Rose since Slash left Guns n Roses, has a moustache that makes grown men weep, hasn't been seen without his sunglasses since Clinton was in office, used to be a Republican party speechwriter, and has made a career out of strip club boogie rock'n'roll that shouldn't even exist in the modern world. His band is called the Eagles of Death Metal for Christ's sake, and he can call an album 'Heart On' and make it seem both clever and stupid. The rest of us can't begin to compete, but Jesse gets up on stage every night and shares with audiences the glory of what is to be alive and sensual and masculine and called Jesse Hughes. - SM
Event: Bands
Stimulus: C
Keywords: Eagles of Death Metal, Rock, Palace Theatre
Pecha Kucha Volume 09
What:
Pecha Kucha Night Melbourne Volume 09
Where:
The Toff, Lvl 2, 252 Swantson St, Melbourne
When:
Tues Apr 28, 6pm (presentations from 8pm)
How much:
$10 on door
Please note:
Hey, antipodeans: it's pronouned P'chaaa K'chaaa okay?
Description:
Mums are crazy. And they talk too much. Pecha Kucha is all about time limits. It is an evening in which creative people come together and present their ideas quickly, instead of in two hour meetings where you want to remove your fingernails because they are just annoying you all of a sudden. Jeremy 'Bucket' Wortsman (The Jacky Winter Group, and Chase & Galley), Marc Pascal, Nadja Mott and Stuart 'The Architects' Harrison, plus many others, will each present 20 slides in 6 minutes and 40 seconds. Bring your mum, get her razzed up on shandies and encourage her to heckle. (Take it as good as you give it, Harrison.) - MS & PM
Event: Talk
Stimulus: Ideas
Keywords: The Toff in Town, Pecha Kucha
Structure Patterns by Antonia Sellbach
What:
Structure Patterns by Antonia Sellbach
Where:
Bus Gallery (Skinny Space), 117 Lt Lonsdale St, Melbourne
When:
Launching Tues Apr 28, 6pm
How much:
Free!
Description:
Considering the name of her world-renowned, neuro-pop group, it's no surprise hirsute Love of Diagrams bassist/vocalist, Antonia Sellbach is obsessed with repeating patterns and geometry in general. This Tuesday she exhibits 'ever growing sets of large paper stained triangles' used to create large wall tessellations in Bus Gallery's skinny space - perhaps after the fashion of her band's recent Mosaic album's artwork. LOD, OCD, VVG; yes please. - MG
Event: Launch
Stimulus: Ideas
Keywords: Art, Bus Gallery
Synecdoche New York, Melbourne premiere
What:
Synecdoche New York, Melbourne premiere
Where:
Cinema Nova, 380 Lygon St, Carlton
When:
Tues 28, screening begins at 6.45pm
How much:
$20 here includes a drink and giveaways!
Description:
Plenty of your friends are going to go on and on about this film. They'll tell you it changed their lives. That it's Charlie Kaufman's masterwork, blah blah blah. God it will be tiresome. Here's how to shut them up. Tell them that it's Kaufman's ode to the dead philosophy of existentialism. Because it is, but none of your friends have read Being and Nothingness, have they? If you can't be bothered to do Wikipedia research before Tuesday, just say things like: "Synecdoche (a word meaning 'to accept a part as responsible for the whole, or vice versa') is about the horror of the contingent, the revulsion that, after death, the body will still exist. It references the defining character flaw of The Outsider's protagonist in that Philip Seymour Hoffman does not cry at funerals; it extends the theme of Sartre's Nausea in its obsession with the manufacture of narrative in life, though this is a pointless and ultimately empty pursuit. And it's pronounced 'si-NEK-duh-kee'. Doofus." - PM
Event: Film
Stimulus: The real live world
Keywords: Hoffman, Cinema Nova, Kaufman
Asuza sounds like a Japanese business conglomerate, or a futuristic dish made of car parts and eyeballs. In reality, it's two guys called Jonny and Dan and vats of sturdy cotton poplin. Their graphic tees have got psychedelics and futuristics - check out the prints! We can also imagine Mad Max throwing on an Asuza Nakashima trench and going mad for the panelling.
He'd no doubt be down with the label's winter fabrics; ploy fleeces, leather and silk linings, which are more than capable of weathering a post-apocalytic Australian wasteland. You can find Asuza at Fat, or shop online. (Seriously! We've tried it and it works. The future is now!) We have three Asuza T-shirts to give away. To enter, Just answer the following question.
This week's question:
Come the post-apocalypse:
a) I better have got my stimulus package
b) I hope Paypal still works
c) Asuza have my torso covered
d) You and me, Max, we're gonna give them back their heroes.
To be in the running send your answer AND postal address to win@threethousand.com.au, winners will be notified by email. Subscriber only entry. Not a subscriber? Oh noooes! Sign up here. It's free, bitches.
Subscribe to our e-newsletter for weekly updates and exclusive stuff:
Browse our guide to Melbourne by interest
Melbourne Events Calendar
Select a date to see what's on in Melbourne
Browse our guide to Melbourne by keyword
Browse our guide to Melbourne by weekly issue
Working
