Thursday 12th March
Craig, that poster guy, has been ripping off Todd Lamb! JCVD has been busting heads. The Duke Spirit have been working in a cannery in Middlesex, this lady has been putting up with Madonna, these guys have been collecting SPAM, these chicks have been on speed since 1997. We remembered to put COOLFOOL in this week. So, um, what have you been doing?
ThreeThousand 196 - getting busy
Also on the site right now!
STRAY - Do U Like 2 Wrestle?
LOOK - Strangeness, Lyn & Tony exhibition launch
Cover image by Natalie Nikitovic. If you would like to submit a covershot, that would be so rad! Email photo@threethousand.com.au.
BMX Bike Bicycle SuperRad Extreme 2000
Josh Freese's $75,000 option
Heavy Metal grandma!
Rocket Fuel cycling caps
She Is Frank
LSD mission
Lawrence Leung's Choose Your Own Adventure
Lover, Sacred Hearts College
Walt Whitman is a whiny ass pussy
Classic gaming
Twitter haters
Tell us what's cool
cool@threethousand.com.au
BMX AV fail
RyanAir's one pound toilet
Helvetica nerds!
In your face, Yakkay helmets!
Being mean to Anne Frank
Bridal rampage
Hipster Runoff's Alt Bingo
Love her, love your guitar
I dominate competition on an hourly basis
Humped by dog while gaming (classic)
Gah! Oh don't worry.
Tell us what's fool
fool@threethousand.com.au
JCVD
What:
JCVD
When:
Only until March 18
Where:
ACMI Cinemas
Win:
We have 5 dbls to the Sat Mar 14 screening at 5.30pm! To enter, email us with the subject line ‘I still ask myself today what I've done on this earth'
French director Mabrouk El Mechri's action-comedy has been touted as the Being John Malkovich for the Muscles from Brussels. However, JCVD is nowhere near as successful a meta-narrative. Indeed, it's really grim and confused in parts, with flashes of farcical comedy, Tinseltown satire and Scorsese-via-Tarantino crime drama.
After a messy divorce, ageing film star Jean-Claude Van Damme (Jean-Claude Van Damme) retreats to Belgium, where he's still a national hero. His young daughter has refused to live with him because her friends laugh when he's on TV, but to contest custody he needs cash, and he keeps losing film roles to Steven Seagal.
Now he's blundered into an armed holdup in a post office. In the ensuing siege, the cops think Van Damme is the robber while the hostages expect him to save them all with a judiciously placed roundhouse kick.
What actually happens is both more depressing and more inspirational, as Van Damme discovers what real heroism means. And dude can really act - he's wry, gloomy and, as he shows in an astonishing direct-to-camera monologue, capable of raw emotion.
Format: Cinema
Mood: Gulp
Keywords: Film, Mabrouk El Mechri, Jean Claude Van Damme
The Duke Spirit interview - future
What:
The Duke Spirit interview
Who:
Jason Crombie talks to Toby Butler
Where:
See them at East Brunswick Club, 280 Lygon St, East Brunswick
When:
Fri Mar 27, doors 8.30pm
How much:
Tickets $30 +BF from here
Related links:
Jason interviews Leila Moss on Letterman
The Duke Spirit are defensibly the hardest working band in rock 'n' roll today. They tour ceaselessly, interview tirelessly and they all have second jobs at a cannery in Middlesex. I spoke to Toby, the hardest working member of the world's hardest working band, and he said it wasn't so bad, Snow Patrol work in a textiles factory where they get paid in corned beef, cholera and the lash. Right now The Dukes have taken a break from the non-stop touring and the lowest factory wage permitted by law, to work on some new songs, cook some soup and gird themselves for their first ever Australian tour.
Jason Crombie: Hey Toby!
Toby Butler: Hi!
JC: Where are you?
TB: I'm in Wales at the moment.
JC: Wales?
TB: We hired this huge house in the middle of nowhere in Wales, and we've brought all of our recording equipment down here. We're demo-ing for about two weeks, writing some new stuff.
JC: Great! What's the house like?
TB: It's amazing! It's this huge, four story, country mansion in the middle of the woods. It looks like a scene from a fucking horror film!
JC: What, like The Shining or something?
TB: Yeah, it's somewhere between The Shining and Blair Witch Project. If you don't ever hear from us again it's because some crazy local has come and killed us.
Release: Tour
To Cure: A quiet weekend
Keywords: Speak n Spell Records
Ephemeral Exhibits
What:
Ephemeral Exhibits
Who:
Starkey
On:
Planet Mu
Related links:
MySpace, Starkey's Seclussiasis on SubFM
Live:
Baddums presents Starkey at Heavy Innit!! Sat Mar 14 at The Laundry, $15, doors 9pm.
A fertile cross-pollination between UK bass music and more traditional, American street electro styles is in evidence on Starkey's latest album for Planet Mu, Ephemeral Exhibits. Augmenting something of New York's Drop The Lime and Trouble & Bass crew's new House-y approach with the unmistakable low-end wobble, melancholy vocal processing and jaunty synth worship of so many recent 'Ol Blighty exports, this young Philadelphia artist - real name Paul Geissinger - offers a way forward for both style camps, each of which by themselves face inevitable cul-de-sacs; if only on account of the glut of straight-up tracks out there.
Starting out with a pair of large, twitchy floor bangers - the first of which, 'Gutter Music', has become synonymous with Starkey as a descriptive term, somewhat misleadingly - Gessinger pulls out 'Miracles', the first of a beautiful string of slower, surprising numbers including 'Escape' and 'Marsh' whose gentle keytone clusters, deep sub throbs and distant FX lay bare the influence of English laptop dub most directly. It's here and for the most part that Starkey offers a way forward for Generation Bass, displaying wide emotive range on top of an expert grasp of much-hyped 'West Coast Rocks' and 'Wonky' production palettes.
Release: Album
To Cure: An empty dancefloor
Drella New York presents MARIPOLARAMA
What:
Drella New York presents MARIPOLARAMA
Where:
Don't Come, Lvl 2, Royal Arcade, 314 Lt Collins St, Melbourne
When:
Opening Wed Mar 18, 6-9pm
Exhibition runs until Mar 25
MARIPOLARAMA is all about Maripol and her famous entourage. I mean, she should have a whole museum herself, not just a week-long exhibition at Don't Come. This is the woman who created rubber Madonna bangles, the ones your mom wouldn't let you have because Madonna was Like a Virgin but not really a virgin.
She also produced Downtown '81, which is choc full of those super-hip NYC mutant disco and no wave bands. But this exhibition is about her photographic talents - capturing the essence of famous New York City in the ‘80s on Polaroid film.
Don't fret though, the polaroids are going to be blown up so you don't have bring your magnifying glass to see all the details. There will even be other rare film footage on display and Maripol herself is going to be here in Melbourne to show you how real fashion icons sign books!
Medium: Photography
Drink: Anything, as long as you look good holding it
Keywords: Photography, Maripol, New York, Don't Come
SPAM Art Posters
Hey guy, my name is Harold Winston Esquire third, I represent Nigerian Texaco Oil. I have a good job and drive a car. Sadly, my employer was recently killed in a zombie suicide blood pact. Also, his family died in an unrelated accident that same day. What are the odds?
My former employer was a wealthy man and had a massive penis from all vitamin pills that he took. He had many beautiful women, fine watches, and made his fortune by working three hours a day from home on the Internet. Also, he whipped oil out of the locals. Since we got information about his death we have been expecting his next of kin to get in contact and collect the $20 million dollars he left lying around.
No one has claimed the money so you can have it thanks to European Lottery Rules. Simply send us a $1000 processing fee and the money will be wired to your credit card. We will throw in an SPAM Art Poster as a complimentary gift. K.THX. XOXO GG.
Product: Art
Theft: Theft is inevitable: Buy two
Viva La Craft! Chicks on Speed
What:
Viva La Craft! Chicks on Speed posters
Where:
Craft Victoria, 31 Flinders La, Melbourne
When:
Launch TONIGHT! Thurs Feb 12, 6pm
How much:
Launch entry free! Posters $110 each.
For people who've been on speed since 1997, these chicks still look pretty good. You know what I think? They're not really on speed. Someone sold them a quarter of Wizz Fizz 12 years ago and they have been buying it up ever since because Germans don't really know what sherbet is. Anyway, looking good ladies.
Like any electropop act, Chicks on Speed have their share of haters. The good news, however, is they can't really play electropop. They just kind of pretended to once as part of an art school rebellion phase. 'Ich hasse de art! Wir mussen de record destructen! Kanst du mir einen tequila geben? Danke. Faschistisch.' And now they get booked everywhere and have their own record label. Have you ever heard of such a thing happening?!
Anyway, come for the 'DJ set', stay for the art. The Chicks are launching their Viva La Craft workshop residency at Craft Victoria tonight and they'll be there, interrogating the boundaries of craft and their own sinuses, for the next week. They have a limited edition poster for sale too! There's hardly any mark up on it because for some reason you can get speed here at the Seven Eleven, and it comes with a free coke spoon.
Product: Art
Theft: Depends what you keep in it
Keywords: Posters, Craft Victoria, Chicks on Speed
Golden Plains roundup: tops and bottoms SHORT
What:
Golden Plains roundup: tops and bottoms
Image:
'Top Camp' by Tim Harvey, 'Boot guy' by Kristy Lee
Tops:
No rain. Sucks to be you if you were deterred by Meredith!
Gary Numan strikes a messianic pose and... Whala! Golden Plains turns into goth nightclub
The Drones deep-fry a slice of Oz-rock gold
The hapless dancing lamps during Sweet Jelly Roll's DJ set
Lawrence Pike of Pivot may be result of secret government project to make Bionic Cuddly Drummer
Opulent Sound System's deadly serious mic shout-outs
Drinking slab in two days yet blowing 0.00 in the exit breathalyser
Free blue cocktails served by Mexican wrestlers
The Meredith Eye ferris wheel makes its debut
Wearing obnoxious T-shirt that says "I Heart Sydney"
Bottoms:
New Zealand dub should be classified as international terrorism
Ambience: Outdoor
Difficulty: Exertion will pay off
Keywords: Golden Plains
Kura Yakitori Bar
What:
Kura Yakitori Bar
Where:
1 Malthouse La, Melbourne
When:
Mon-Sat 5pm til late
Contact:
9654 7454, online menu here
Snacking is actively discouraged in us from a young age. Rustling in the pantry at 4pm for chips, chocolate bars (or cooking chocolate if desperate) we were told to wait until dinner or, worse, "Eat a piece of fruit".
"Mum?"
"What?"
"F*ck that!" we seemed to say, squirming on the couch as Pringles rubbed another salty chip into our wounds every ad break.
But this isn't about chips or chocolate. Our tastes have evolved. This is about reclaiming and embracing the art of snacking, and giving your Mum the grilled bird, Japanese style.
Kura Yakitori Bar, attached to Kura Japanese Restaurant, is small, authentic, and almost always empty. But, just maybe - if anyone's listening out there? - we can change that. Chicken with Wasabi mayo and Enoki mushroom wrapped in pork are just a couple of their specialities. And with an Asahi happy hour between 5 and 7pm you might begin to realise that appetites are there to be spoiled.
Venue: Eatery
Meal: Snacktastic
More OUTS! - MARCH 12
What:
More OUTS!
Where:
On the site right now
Description:
Josh Armistead album launch tonight! Stop drooling at him over the bar at Hells and start drooling at him on the stage at NSC!
GIVEAWAY. Do you want to bum Bertie Blackman? It's TONIGHT!
Too Many Creeps is back tonight at laaaassst!
Lyn&Tony exhibition launch tonight at Helen Gory. X Rated. Just kidding. M15+ Rated.
The Booby Traps play instore at Off The Hip! Hanging out at Off The Hip is simply one of the best things you can do in town these days.
Event: Beach Volleyball
Stimulus: Fish
Keywords: More OUTs
Carla Fletcher, Precious Things exhibition launch
What:
Carla Fletcher, Precious Things exhibition launch
Where:
Design A Space, 142 Chapel St, Windsor
When:
TONIGHT! Thurs Mar 12, 6-8.30pm
How much:
Free!
Description:
Some of Australia's animals have shot to international fame and stardom recently, and have been shortlisted to appear on Paris Hilton's New BFF Australia. Others have been happy to avoid the limelight, going about their animal tasks with a commendable humility, drinking tap water instead of Mount Franklin, not getting gay with the CFA. Carla Fletcher salutes these modest mouses in her new exhibition launching tonight. Beautiful drawings and paintings of Australian animals and SFW too! - PM
Event: Exhibition
Stimulus: The real live world
Grouse Queer Party with CSS
What:
Grouse Queer Party with CSS
Where:
Neverwhere, 185 Smith St, Fitzroy
When:
Thu Mar 12, 9pm
How much:
$10
Description:
Grouse has become an institution. If you don't know about it yet, how about getting on board with a good one, that way people won't be harping at you with all the 'Wow sucks to be you, shiii-iiit'. Well, here is your chance, because the Grouse ladies are promising to crush their own stellar record for off-the-chain events tonight. Luiza from CSS will be guest DJing. As well, Ann Ominous (Macromantics) will be playing a set in memory of the big poppa Notorious B.I.G. and the first 60 payers get free tickets to his new movie! And the popcorn is still free, because some things cannot be improved upon. - Us
Event: DJs
Stimulus: Popcorn & Beer
Keywords: Gay/Lesbian, Dance
LADY massive clearance sale!
What:
LADY massive clearance sale!
Where:
Shop 3, 237 Flinders Lane (enter via Scott Alley)
When:
Starts TODAY! Thurs Mar 12 - Sat Mar 14
How much:
20-70% off everything, LADY dresses from $20, vintage dresses from $10!
Description:
If the irresponsibility of certain lenders and onsellers of mortgage-backed securities who won't be named here has given us anything this year, it has given us... the LADY massive clearance sale! Desperate measures in drastic times! Up to 70% off LADY, Tristan Blair, Es trella, Ghost & Lola, My Pet Square, Karen Walker eyewear, Sara Philips, Limedrop and more!
In your face, American Dream. - PM
Event: Sales
Stimulus: Clothing
Qua with Hot Little Hands and Aoi
What:
Qua with Hot Little Hands and Aoi
Where:
Curtin Bandroom, Lvl 1, 29 Lygon St, Carlton
When:
Fri Mar 13, doors 8.30pm
How much:
$10 on the door
Description:
Expert electronics whizz, Qua, headlines a fresh, mixed billing of synthetic pop and beat music tomorrow night at thriving venue Curtin Bandroom. If there were annual ThreeThousand music awards, all three acts playing would've received nominations for best album of 2008 - Aoi in the Hip Hop category for Low Tracks Era, Hot Little Hands in rock/pop for Dynamite in Black and White, and Qua in both Experimental and Dance for Silver Red and Q&A respectively. We'd run such a night exactly like this gig, too; with mad dancing, big smiles and not an expat, MOR singer-songwriter in sight. - Us.
Event: Bands
Stimulus: S
Keywords: Carlton, Curtin Bandroom, Hot Little Hands, QUA
The Workers Club opening party
What:
The Workers Club opening party
Where:
The Workers Club, 51 Brunswick St (cnr Gertrude St), Fitzroy
When:
Fri Mar 13 after 9pm
How much:
Free!
Description:
If you don't count that other party where 900 people came and there was pizza and Pat couldn't say his own name to the policeman by 7pm, this is the first party at Newtown Workers Club since it rose from the ashes of the Rob Roy! It's the official opening party, and we're allowed in from nine. Before that, maybe they will be geeing the staff up on cough syrup because god knows and so does Jerome, it can get busy. - PM
Venue: Bar
Stimulus: Jager
Dry Spell warehouse party
What:
Dry Spell warehouse party
Where:
Dada warehouse, 284-286 Albert St, Brunswick
When:
Sat Mar 14, 2.30pm-3am
How much:
$7
Description:
These dudes have been working a documentary for nearly two years and it's finally in post-production. They are so excited that they are throwing a giant party featuring some of the artists in the documentary and snippets of the actual film in between acts, and it's going to go for 12 and a half hours! The documentary features groups such as Little Red, Aleks & The Ramps, Children Collide and heaps of others. The lineup for the party is right here! - PC
Event: Bands & DJs
Stimulus: W
Keywords: Documentary, Warehouse
Rhys Darby signs his new DVD
What:
Rhys Darby signs his new DVD
Where:
Polyester City, 288 Flinders La, Melbourne
When:
Sat Mar 14, 3pm
How much:
Free! (DVD costs money)
Description:
Okay, band meeting. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. And who else? Mur.. Ray... Oh. Greg's written this, he's put the R's too far apart. It's Murray.. Murray present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I am releasing a new DVD. No that's not a joke. Is that what you think, is it? It's a joke, is it Bret? Organised by a couple of jesters I suppose. Is that you is it? Well I'm not surprised. I get ridiculed all the time. Yep. "Ah hey... ginger balls!" you know. Well then you'll be pleased to hear I haven't booked you for the launch. That's a surprise isn't it Jemaine? I'll bet it is. Greg's going to be playing. Yes I booked him while you were trying on the funky funky eyepatch. Alright, Item three. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive... - PM
Event: Launch
Stimulus: Fame
Keywords: Rhys Darby, Film, Comedy
The Good Ship Glitzern, Summon the Kraken, exhibition launch and House of Baulch pop up shop
What:
The Good Ship Glitzern, Summon the Kraken, exhibition launch and House of Baulch pop up shop
Where:
Glitzern, 1a Crossley St, Melbourne. Pop-up shop upstairs.
When:
Launching Sat Mar 14, 1-4pm. Exhibition runs until Mar 28.
How much:
Free!
Description:
Moi and Caro say, "After the excitement of our last exhibition and the joy we experienced spray painting plastic snakes gold and whacking bits of bamboo together, this time we have decided to turn our shop into a ship." But, listen to this: it is a cursed ship! Lost and surrounded by dark waters. And far far beneath, in the abysmal sea, the Kraken sleepeth: faintest sunlights flee. Also, free drinks! Glitzern are launching their new online store with an exhibition of jewellery and there's a House of Baulch sale upstairs. And shanties. OK that's it. Oh, and blowing the man down. Alright, no more. OK and sixteen sailors on a dead man's chest. (And booty.) - PM
Event: Exhibition
Stimulus: Cheap Treasure
Keywords: Art, Fashion, Accessories
Zombie Wedding Film Shoot
What:
Zombie Wedding Film Shoot
Where:
In and around Burwood
When:
Sat Mar 14 and Sun Mar 15, 10am-8pm
How much:
Free!
Description:
This is not the absurd prequel to 2004's low budget zomcom-with-heart Zombie Honeymoon. And it has little to do with those weddings at which you daydream about wrenching off your arm just to have something to throw at the newlyweds. Well, okay, it's something along those lines but it's more a um, call to arms. Word is Wizard Sandwiches wants extras to fill its undead quota in their upcoming zombie short. Yeah, eat your heart out Keanu! But maybe think it through if you're a chronic smiler. Or a vegan. - ST
Event: Performance
Stimulus: Chaos
Michi Girl - Through My Eyes
What:
Michi Girl - Through My Eyes
Where:
Behind Lamington Drive, 89 George St, Fitzroy
When:
Mon Mar 16 - Fri Mar 20
How much:
Watching the artists, free! Buying the bags, not free at all.
Description:
At Kat McLeod's exhibition recently (you know, the one where you got elbowed by those 700 ladies busting a chop at the sales desk) there was an amazing sped-up video of Kat making her artworks. Now, friend-of-Kat, Michi Girl, has taken the idea large for LMFF. Out the back at Lamington Drive from Monday there'll be a giant canvas and different artists will be applying one colour each day for a week. Then there'll be a stop motion animation you can download from Michi at the end. Then they will cut it up and make 36 limited-edition tote bags, then they will sell them. (Then I will call the 700 ladies back and see if they want to mud wrestle for one, then I will film it and make a stop motion animation you can download from ThreeThousand. Then I will have a beer. If you want to come let me know.) - PM
Event: Exhibition
Stimulus: Free booze & Food
Keywords: Lamington Drive, Fitzroy, Art
Independent Fashion Live Photoshoot, hosted by Limedrop
What:
Independent Fashion Live Photoshoot, hosted by Limedrop
Where:
Penthouse Mouse, The Capitol, cnr Chapel St and Toorak Rd, South Yarra
When:
Wed Mar 18, 6-9pm
How much:
Free entry!
Description:
FASHION! - Turn to the left - turn to the right - turn down Toorak Road - go past the station - FASHION! It's a live photoshoot at Penthouse Mouse, presented by Limedrop! As we all know, there are many advantages to hanging around at a fashion shoot. Plenty of carbs left on the catering table. Lipstick "samples". That lady who always has the mail-order diet pills. Juuus kiddin. After last year's success, Limedrop are expanding their live photoshoot party to include all the Penthouse Mouse labels. They're also launching their new range. The whole thing will be shot by Jo Duck and styled by Jade Leung. And there will be a team of other stylists there to help us with our personal issues. - PM
Event: Party
Stimulus: Stack Hats & Lycra
Keywords: Photography, Limedrop, Fashion
They say bad things always come in threes; this is not the case with our giveaway today. How could there be anything bad about melissa's collaboration with Vivienne Westwood? Let us introduce 'Three Straps' - because sometimes you need more than just one or two straps to keep you upright. And because sometimes you get cankles, which can be cleverly disguised by three straps. Also, melissa has been kickin' it since '79, and that's three decades.
While the 'gladiator shoe' backlash might be looming, these sandals aren't your pokey rippy leather kicks - they are red, don't go soggy when wet, and they smell like apple pie. The only bad news is that we don't have three pairs to give away. We have one. So if you're not feeling particularly lucky - click here to browse the online store, or check Melbourne stockists. If your three bad things have already happened today, enter by answering the following questions.
This week's question:
I got three problems
a) and cankles ain't one
b) one of them is gladiator backlash
c) named Global, Financial and Crisis
d) bitch give me the shoes
To be in the running send your answer, name, shoe size and postal address to win@threethousand.com.au, winners will be notified by email. Subscriber only entry. Not a subscriber? No sweat. Sign up here.
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