When Sir Mix-a-lot told us about the boy with low cash flow (the one who ain't down to throw and shakes their girl-like body on the floor that makes the girls go BOINGGG!) he was referring to the blushed-up cake boys of the ‘90s. 'Cake Boy' is the lost term for well-manicured boys now being revived at Nicholas Building gallery space, Blindside.

Their latest exhibition, by Drew Pettifer, draws attention to the delicate and effeminate in a series of photographs. While unlikely to cause Henson-esque hysteria, these somehow heartbreaking images of exposed young men contemplate the balance between eroticism and virility.

For the Dorian Grays in the room, the photographs are printed onto...

Here the author begins to salivate...

...the icing of cakes, bringing Faustian ideas of beauty, hedonism and the inevitability of decay to the table. So, not only will the icing on the cake be literal, but also Pettifer has found a way to mix his puns with salacious art, and the result is delicious sponge.

By Isabel Dunstan

Medium: Photography

Drink: Dandy shandy

Keywords: Photography, Blindside Gallery

For those of you who missed Liv Barrett and James Deutsher's awe-inspiring turtle/tortoise/cat video at the VCA gallery as part of Next Wave's, Unsheltered Workshops group show a month back, rest assured, there is much more where that came from in Evergreen - a bi-annual contemporary art and culture journal they're publishing.

Launching this Friday, Evergreen aims to build ongoing dialogues and explore the 'pitfalls, energies, beauties, intensities, possibilities, fuck-ups and connections' that populate our world. There's a detailed spread on Masato Takasaka's prog-rock adventures, Hao Guo discusses lust, caution but not his love life. Alex Vivian has a hardcore new-age drawing on the back cover and there's an A3 pull-out-poster with a drawing by Chris L.G. Hill and Artmaze from Nick Selenitsch.

A rare publication where integrity reigns supreme, Evergreen brings people together in the name of exploration and support. Head to ACCA this Friday to celebrate its inception and watch not a five-piece melodic hardcore band from Jacksonville, but the magic of Alex Vivian's Always and Chris LG Hill's MofFarFarRah. There will also be mulled wine and t-shirts.

By Kirsten Law

Format: Magazine

Motivation: Improves creativity by osmosis

Keywords: Art, Literature

I always thought, in my wisdom, that Keith Haring went to Collingwood Technical College. This is partly true. I mean (like my Dad ‘went to MIT' and got me a t-shirt), Keith went to Collingwood Tech and painted the wall behind the Tote when he was visiting from New York in 1984.

Though you may not be as patently ignorant as I, this doco is a good chance to brush up on the legacy of a painter, graffiti artist, sculptor and designer who was at the heart of New York's ‘80s street culture. He really paved the way for the Neck Faces of today, who spin their street work out into fashion and galleries and onto celebrities.

Haring's universe was pretty rad. He was friends with Junior Vasquez, Madonna, David LaChapelle, Bill T. Jones and Yoko Ono - all of whom feature in this film. But, as he said, ‘Art is for everyone'. That's why he left us options: visit MoMA, or break in to the Tote car park.

By Penny Modra

Medium: Illustration

Drink: Anything, as long as you look good holding it

Keywords: Graf, Art, ACMI

From its mid-20th century heyday to popular neo-noir incarnations, film noir has proven that deep down we're all gloomily romantic at heart. Noir maintains its perverse appeal across national borders, budgets and genres, but is ultimately inseparable from its retro, post-war American crime context of bad dames, lonely gumshoes and dark alleys.

This DVD box set is riddled with perversely foxy tales of woe and intrigue, and features an admirable chunk of the noir canon. The underrated Ray Milland stars as the chump in The Big Clock (1948), pursued by fate toward a denouement at the titular big clock, a victory for large props everywhere. The Glass Key (1942), This Gun For Hire (1942) and The Blue Dahlia (1946) feature the Alan Ladd/Veronica Lake double-act, one of noir's most famous and seductively doomed pairings.

With near-erotic bleakness leaking out of every neon-lit window, these films celebrate noir's obsession with displaced masculinity and empowered, aggressively shoulder-padded femme fatales. Gritty, sexy and a subversive slap in the face to classical Hollywood, noir is as punk as mainstream American cinema can get.

By Alexandra Heller-Nicholas

Format: DVD

Mood: Nostalgic

Keywords: Noir

Artistic collaborations are a pretty sweet thing. Matthew Barney and Björk, Andy Warhol and Lou Reed... Starbucks and Sonic Youth.

'Anglomania' is the love child of one such collaboration, between the queen of punk, Ms Vivienne Westwood, and the cult of Brazilian footwear, Melissa - also the brains behind the original jelly sandal invented in '79. (Remember those hot-pink jellies you bought when you were 16 because Charlene Mitchell had a pair and even though they were the shoe equivalent of a greenhouse they made your feet look bitchin'?)

This limited-edition collection features two designs: a re-creation of the classic Westwood Mary-Jane, made of patented PVC, and the ever-popular ‘ultragirl' slip on, made of either velvet or PVC with a signature Westwood tartan or rose print on the insole. Packed full of punk 'tude with a bubble gum vibe, you won't be sure whether to kick someone or chew on them. Fashion ponies get set: ‘Anglomania' lands on the shores of OZ this week. It'll be 1974 all over again.

By Esther van Doornum

Product: Clothing

Theft: Theft is a risk

Keywords: Shoes, Order & Progress, Fat Clothing Stores

Laundry mats are more than just a place to wash your whites and score drugs. They're also great for reading books, meeting crazy people and getting knifed. It really depends on where you go. Some places are bright and cheerful - an oasis of calm and reflection. Other laundry mats are complete crack dens.

Because getting murdered at a laundry mat would suck, we've decided to take the guess work out of the equation and start providing reviews of Melbourne's many fine (and not so fine) establishments. You know, kinda like a public service.

So anyway, the first laundry mat to be profiled is the one in Footscray that doesn't seem to have a name. Step inside and you'll notice that one entire wall features a faded montage of movies from the 1920 to the 1990s. Hand made (with glue and scissors), it's pretty ghetto. As is the broken arcade machine. And the broken television. And the broken change machine that's been welded shut. And the (metaphorically) broken street outside. We're giving this place 2 out of 5 and thinking happy thoughts.

By Mikolai Napieralski

Ambience: Indoor

Difficulty: Won't hurt a bit

Sugardough looks and smells just like grandma's kitchen. Pretty Portmeirion and fine china tea cups hang on the walls along side ornate plates, adding a touch of home charm to this sweet-scented bakery café. Here is a place unafraid of teasing your greedy eyes and evidently proud of its produce. The front of house boasts a dazzling array of glistening treats: big, small, savoury and sweet; the army of escargot, friands, paninis and savoury muffins is a little overwhelming and can make getting anywhere near the actual menu near impossible.

For those who can get past the tempting display, or have any room left, also on offer are hearty soups, slabs of quiche, and the ingenious hangover curing oven baked breakfast pie, complete with tomato relish. The open plan environment allows for all those delicious kitchen sounds of clapping plates, humming washers, and staff playfully teasing each other, to mix into a warm cacophony that compliments the unpretentious flavours on offer here. Don't forget to pick up some shortbread ducks on the way out, they are the cutest damn things ever.

By Kieran O'Shea

Venue: Café

Meal: All day

Keywords: Bakery

Description:
Harvest is a brand new Melbourne-based literary quarterly that won't use the word ‘awesomest'. (*ThreeThousand hangs head in shame*). It's a mix of fiction, non-fiction, poetry and art from local and international contributors.

Gauri Yardi on first-time love, growth and metamorphosis. Anthony Levin on the nostril-flaring antics of Norman Mailer. These types of quality contributions. But you know, literary types still know how to party. Hell, they invented partying (ref: Hunter, Jack, and, you know, why do you think no-one's seen JD Salinger since 1951?)

PS: You need to click on that Jack Kerouac link. Right now.

By Penny Modra

Event: Launch

Stimulus: W

Keywords: Literature, Magazines

Description:
All of us have some kind of superior intellectual act going on. But thanks be to the children of France that someone still writes lyrics like this:

"Last week I flew to San Diego to see my antie / On day one I met her hot step daughter / She is a cheerleader, she is a virgin and she is really tan / As she stepped out of her massive car / I could only notice she was more than f*ckable / I think she was coming back from the game or something / Cause she was holding those silly pompoms / On day two I f*cked her and it was wild / She is such a slut" - The Teenagers, ‘Homecoming'

As Wilfred said a few months ago, The Teenagers combine the earnestness of a Mike Mills Air video with The Smiths' tongue-in-cheek, Soft Tigers' youthful enthusiasm, and the pop of fellow Parisians Phoenix. Get there in time to see Yves Klein Blue - they are very, very good - PM

By Penny Modra

Event: Bands

Stimulus: E

Keywords: The Teenagers, Billboard the venue, Streetparty

Description:
YOU is going on holiday. No, not an email announcement from the Taiwanese online lottery - an exciting development for a Melbourne zine-maker. You know those YOU zines? They've been appearing, sealed in paper bags or noodle boxes, or envelopes around town for a good five years now. Well, YOU is going on tour and he needs help bagging the new editions at Sticky this Saturday. He will be wearing a cunning disguise, however (a bag perhaps?), to protect his secret identity. From there, he goes to Quimbys Booksore in Chicago (with Dave Roche of 'On Subbing' zine and 'About My Disappearance' zine) and the Toronto Zine Library. Go YOU! - PM.

By Penny Modra

Event: Party

Stimulus: C

Description:
The latest release in the Sabbatical limited-edition series sees the collaboration of two musical giants: Absoluten Calfeutrail, aka Mark Groves (Whitehorse, Collapsed Toilet Vietnam and True Radical Miracle) and Blarke Bayer, the solo vehicle of My Disco and Agents of Abhorrence string slinger Ben Andrews. A marked deviance from all the aforementioned groups, this collaboration explores the harsher end of power electronics. Saturday's performance is a rare chance to witness this towering wall of noise performed live. - KD

By Kurt Decker

Event: Launch

Stimulus: A

Keywords: Noise, Experimental, Sabbatical

Description:
Just like in the cartoons, we're chewing our knuckles and knocking our knees together in fear. Gameboy/Gamegirl are departing our shores for the big lights. Before they leave, turn up at 3rd Class and wave your handkerchiefs in the air and weep softly. They might promise to write home. Or they might just play an awesome show with Jean Pierre, Damn Arms, Infinity Sound and Generik and leave us pining for a while. - ID.

By Isabel Dunstan

Event: Bands

Stimulus: sound the horns!

Keywords: Gameboy/Gamegirl, Third Class, Electro

Description:
Heed the lessons learned over the three decades of Romero's oeuvre: By the time the first news report goes to air, the walking dead are among you. It is best not to get in the car and "just drive". Toilets don't work in furniture display windows at the mall. These types of things.

That is, unless you decide to join the flesh eating hordes this Saturday, as they shuffle across the city, dragging entrails in their wake. What do they want? BRAAIINS! When do they want it? BRAAAIINS!

When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk to Southgate.

By Penny Modra

Event: Exhibition

Stimulus: W

Keywords: Zombies

Description:
Filling The Tote with this much experimental art rock could be as dangerous as letting a goldfish fly a plane, but that's probably all the more reason to go and see what could happen. Telepathetic are new around here and would appreciate it if you heckle supportive ‘wooots' while they make their debut. Following the newbies, GAY squeeze notes out of broken instruments and apparently have a ten-minute song about Sex and the City. To bring some calculated arrangements to the fore, Talkshow Boy headlines by bringing together the elements of wild spontaneity of his predecessors but boasts skill on real instruments. - ID

By Isabel Dunstan

Event: Bands

Stimulus: A

Keywords: The Tote, Experimental, Rock

Description:
Fancy yourself a skater of the roller variety? Enjoy blue colour-themed dress codes? Know how to read a Melways and aren't fazed by an expedition to Scoresby?

If you answered yes to any of these, then you are in for a good time this Tuesday. Many people missed the last (red-themed) Wheel Barons' excursion to Caribbean Rollerama, but now you've got notice. So get a blue outfit together to set those blue carpet crash walls off nicely. Here's the group. - SG

By Sophie Gaston

Event: Party

Stimulus: E

Keywords: Skate

Description:
Chanting. Shoegaze. Soul Train . Bjork. Ecstasy. Gang Gang Dance. If that reads like a list of a few of your favourite things, then prepare to squeal a little. Fader Mag assures us that Brooklyn's Telpathe is a heady mix of all of the above. And with their tape loops, banshee wail and hip-hop thump-thump, who's going to argue? Plus, its members have names like Mean Masha, Busy Gangnes and Jessie Gold, which sounds like the kind of gang you'd wanna be a part of. Presented by Vice and Speak N Spell, supported capably by Barrage and Pets with Pets. - VH

By Vivian Huynh

Event: Bands

Stimulus: E

Keywords: The Toff in Town